Chewing on Thermometers

I was an abnormally curious child. I don’t mean the kind of curiosity that suggests intelligence. I mean the type that leads to mischief and trouble. You know, like how hard can I bite down on this glass thermometer before it shatters in my mouth. It turns out that it’s not that hard. And, no, mercury is not absorbed into the bloodstream when you swallow it. This was just one of many misadventures that resulted from my “need to know” things.

This sense of curiosity was particularly heightened around the Christmas season. There were so many temptations. Wrapped presents under the tree were screaming to be opened. Christmas gifts hidden in the attic, in closets, or under beds needed to be found. My parents were no match for my persistence and hound dog focus. The presents under the tree were easy. I would just gently remove the tape and unwrap enough to see inside. Because I was vertically challenged, the presents hidden in higher places required a bit more work. Fortunately, I was a good climber.

Eventually, my Mom figured out places to hide presents where I couldn’t find them.  She was so happy finally to be able to surprise me. There was almost a smugness in her joy. I was prepared to admit defeat. And then one Christmas morning when I was a teenager, I came down for breakfast and shared a dream that I had the night before. My dream was like a scene from A Christmas Story. But instead of a Red Ryder carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle, I got a set of golf clubs and a music boom box. Because I had not asked for either of these items, I thought that it was a strange dream. My Mom was not amused. The golf clubs and boom box had been wrapped and placed under the tree after I went to bed the night before. She wanted to know how I found the gifts. I swore to her that, notwithstanding a lot of snooping, I didn’t know any of my gifts. I had simply used my power of precognition to discover my presents. To this day, I am still not sure she believes me.

I suspect that a lot of lawyers are like me. We are inquisitive and do not like to wait for answers. We relish the hunt as much as we do the end game. We like to be prepared for what might come. By snooping, researching, and investigating, we minimize the risk of being caught off-guard. This certainly has its advantages. We often learn things that less inquisitive people might never discover. We also protect ourselves and others from harm and negative outcomes.

My need to control outcomes and avoid surprises extends to virtually every area of my life. As an example, when I go on a vacation somewhere new, I learn as much as I can about the destination before I arrive. I research travel websites and reviews. I print out lists of restaurants, activities, landmarks, and items to bring on the trip. I have even been known to show up with laminated satellite images of a new vacation spot. Like a good Boy Scout, I arrive prepared. This planning brings me great joy and minimizes unexpected glitches in travel plans.

My need for control and certainty is natural. It is deeply rooted in evolutionary survival mechanisms. My brain, and that of every other control freak, is wired to ensure safety and survival. I wonder, though, whether I and others like me might be missing out on something when we don’t leave things to chance. Could it be that there is as much joy in being surprised as there is in planning for a positive outcome? Is it possible that all the snooping, researching, and contingency planning is limiting the fullness of our lives? And do we really have as much control as we think?

In the cinematic masterpiece Days of Thunder, Dr. Claire Lewicki (Nicole Kidman) tells Cole Trickle (Tom Cruise), “Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what’s gonna happen next: not on a freeway, not in an airplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.” Dr. Lewicki makes a good point. We often don’t have as much control as we think. No matter how much planning we do, things often don’t turn out like we expect or want them to. For every legal argument we make and every fact we discover in a case, there is a lawyer on the other side making a contrary argument and offering contradictory evidence. Then there are juries. Nobody can predict what a jury will do. For every outcome, there are thousands of factors at work leading to some result. You can influence only a limited number of those factors. At some point, you must learn how to simply be okay with the outcome. Stoic philosopher Epictetus wisely said, “It is not in our control to have everything turn out exactly as we want, but it is in our control to control how we respond to what happens.”

I am not suggesting that you just throw your hands up in the air and stop trying. It is okay to do a certain amount of contingency planning. As lawyers, our clients depend on us to do this for them.  But sometimes the more we try to control, the more we invite stress into our lives. Learn to notice when you are doing healthy planning and when you are becoming obsessive. And, most importantly, make sure that you are not trying to control the things you can’t control. That just creates unnecessary suffering.

By letting go of some measure of control and learning to accept outcomes, you might see some of the following benefits:

1. Increased Resilience

While surprises can be challenging, they can help us to become more adaptive. By embracing the unexpected, we learn to navigate uncertainty effectively. This mindset can make us more resilient in the face of life’s ups and downs.

2. Increased Feelings of Pleasure

When we are surprised by something, this triggers our brain’s reward system. We get a shot of dopamine that gives us a feeling of happiness and satisfaction. The pleasure of a good result is more intense when it is unexpected.

3. New Opportunities and Experiences

When we focus only on a specific outcome, we might miss other opportunities. Letting go of control and committing to flexibility opens the door to possibility. You might discover that what you thought you wanted wasn’t nearly as good as what you got.

4. Better Relationships

Most control freaks, me included, try to control not only events and outcomes but also people. Letting go of the need to control other people can lead to deeper connection with others. When you release the need for someone to act a certain way or be a certain kind of person, you are able to love more freely.

5. Less Stress and Anxiety

When you are not trying to control every little thing in your life and the lives of others, you can take a moment to breathe. The weight and pressure of trying to insure or guarantee a certain result is lifted.

Life is unpredictable, and trying to control every aspect often leads to frustration when things don’t go the way we want. Accepting uncertainty and letting go of micromanagement allows us to focus on what we can influence while releasing the rest. This shift reduces anxiety and stress, makes us more resilient, and creates opportunities for new experiences. And when we open ourselves to being surprised, we might just find greater joy. This year, I’m committing not to peel back the tape on any of my packages under the tree. As for dreams about my presents, I can’t make any promises.