‘Tis Better to Give Than Receive Advice

I grew up with some very smart siblings. Three were valedictorians and all graduated with honors in college and then earned graduate degrees. I found my successes in competitive swimming and social connection. I was not valedictorian but was bestowed with the honor of class clown in high school. Needless to say, I was not a very confident student.

I managed to graduate from college with average grades and great memories. I somehow was able to get into law school and enrolled at Indiana University School of Law. I felt like an academic impostor. That feeling was confirmed when I was unable to keep up with the assigned reading. I stopped going to class and dropped out after three months.

After two years of working odd jobs, I decided to try again. I was fortunate to be accepted at Wake Forest University School of Law in 1989. This time, I told myself that failure was not an option. I committed myself to working harder than anyone else there. Three years later, I graduated with a decent class rank and a published comment on law review. My confidence was bolstered by this experience. I belonged. I was worthy to be among the graduates. This confidence was to be short-lived.

Like all new lawyers, when I started working in private practice, I realized that I didn’t know the first thing about how to practice law. Once again, I felt like an impostor. I didn’t know that most of the people I graduated with felt the same way. God forbid that anyone would share such thoughts. And so, I worked for 7 years in private practice under the enormous weight of impostor syndrome. It wasn’t until I came to work at Lawyers Mutual that I was able to gradually shed the burden of feeling like an impostor. With the benefit of hindsight, I can now understand how this happened and can share this in the hope that my story might help others.

I interviewed with Judge Gerald Arnold in 1998, for the position of claims attorney at Lawyers Mutual. Judge Arnold had just retired as Chief Judge of the North Carolina Court of Appeals and was hired as the Senior Vice President of Claims at Lawyers Mutual. Judge Arnold saw something in me and hired me for the position. I attribute much of my success at Lawyers Mutual to his belief in me and his management style. Think of someone who is a micro-manager. Now think of the opposite. That was Judge Arnold.

As the Senior Vice President of Claims, Judge Arnold had the ultimate authority to make decisions regarding coverage issues, defense counsel selection, and settlement authority. When I needed to make a decision about any of these issues, I would go to him and ask what he wanted to do. He might ask me some questions about the claim to get more information but then he would flip the script. Instead of telling me what I should do, he asked me what I thought we should do. Imagine that. Here is a lawyer who successfully

practiced law, served in the North Carolina House of Representatives, managed a gubernatorial campaign, and sat on the Court of Appeals for more than twenty years, and he is asking for my advice. The first few times it happened, it caught me off-guard. Why would he be asking me what we should do? Isn’t he better qualified to make that call?

Eventually, I figured out what was going on. Judge Arnold was mentoring me and empowering me to reach my full potential. Over time, my confidence grew. I felt less like an impostor and more like a confident lawyer with the expertise necessary to do my job.

What Is Impostor Syndrome Imposter syndrome is “a condition that describes high-achieving individuals who, despite their objective successes, fail to internalize their accomplishments and have persistent self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud or impostor.” Impostor syndrome is common for people who are perfectionists and overachievers. This explains why many lawyers struggle with feeling like an impostor at some point during their career.

How To Overcome Impostor Syndrome Experts offer a variety of strategies for addressing impostor syndrome:

• Question your thoughts. Is there objective evidence that supports your feelings that you are a fraud or failure. Think of contrary evidence that suggests that you are capable and competent. Make a list of all your academic and professional accomplishments—even the small ones.
• Celebrate your successes. Negative thoughts are stickier than positive thoughts. Consciously notice when you accomplish something and then marinate in that positive thought. It will feel unnatural at first. You are probably used to stewing on the negative. Resting with a positive thought will require you to rewire your brain through repetition.
• Let go of perfectionism. This requires you to acknowledge that nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Tell yourself that every mistake is an opportunity to learn and improve. Focus on progress instead of perfection.
• Practice self-compassion. When you notice a negative thought about yourself, ask whether your closest friend would have the same thought about you. We tend to be much harder on ourselves than others are on us.
• Understand and acknowledge that you are not alone. Many lawyers struggle and have struggled with impostor syndrome.

How Can You Help Others Overcome Impostor Syndrome

As lawyers, we are good at giving advice. When you notice that another lawyer is struggling with their self-confidence, you might be inclined to give that lawyer advice. In some cases, that might be helpful. It can also be helpful to validate someone and give recognition for a person’s contributions and accomplishments. We all need mentors to inspire us. But there might be an even better way to help another lawyer who is struggling with impostor syndrome. Research suggests that asking a person for their advice in a particular situation might actually improve that person’s performance and confidence more than giving that same person your advice. When advice is sought from someone, it makes that person feel like an expert. That allows them to change their self-perception.

So, the next time that you are in a mentoring role with another lawyer, think about flipping the script. Instead of giving advice to that lawyer, ask that lawyer what she thinks is the best way to proceed. Let her be the expert. After you receive the advice from the mentee, you can then have a healthy discussion about the best solution. You can challenge the mentee to support her position. Just don’t do it in a demeaning or condescending way. By treating the mentee lawyer as an intellectual equal, you will boost the confidence of that lawyer. This benefits the mentee lawyer, the firm, and the firm’s clients.